Tuesday, July 18, 2006


I logged on to the blog with nothing particular in mind ... apart from the usual vague feeling of unease at letting life slip by while sitting in a 6 by 6 cubicle, lighted by 4 neons overhead and a computer screen in front.

The cubicle walls in brown and white pre-fab boards that can be easily replaced, interspersed with small glass windows and white boards ... through the glass windows, you can see some of your neighbor's ceiling while seated, and your neighbor when standing. The windows and boards all filled with markings ... hieroglyphics of our era ... we the temple priests creating the magic that runs this world, arcane, convoluted, and invisible ... allowing the vast populace to use things totally unaware of the huge complexity that underlies the simple buttons that he or she presses.

The first two paragraphs however are just a minor digression from ... well, I am not quite sure what. However, when I logged in, I noticed that I have 31 posts in the last 6 months or so since I started blogging.

This then is the 32nd post ... and that is important because we are supposed to have 32 teeth, the last 4 being the wisdom teeth, and somebody haveing 32 teeth by virtue of being toothy is supposedly wise as well.

So here, this 32nd post of mine should have been full of wisdom and such stuff.

However, this blog has now been delayed due to unavoidable circumstances.

Friday, July 14, 2006

BHAPA HASHI of the planet asprin!

There you are ...
The Jedi name generator (available on the web) christened me this after asking some random questions.

And why on earth would I be looking for my Jedi name you ask?
Well, I have been thinking a little and feeling a lot since the Mumbai blasts took place.
And in thinking, and in feeling, I realized the truth in the Starwars saga: one of the biggest dangers in taking on the dark side of the force is that you become a part of the dark side, for, something as simple as hating your enemy converts you to it.

It holds true today. How can you fight evil without becoming evil yourself? How can you use just the amount of force that is required to nullify the threat without using excessive force? One false step and you are one of them ... just a small transgression of a line that is murky at best and the defender becomes the aggressor.

Hate is generally the culprit ... it is what causes the good to cross the line and join the ranks of the bad. If we could be perfectly objective, we would recognize the exact steps that are necessary in order to eliminate a threat without indulging in atrocities that give birth to the next incarnation of the threat.

But then, I now realize, humans can only be humans (apart from Zidane ... who became God the other day - because of a human fault). We are probably the only species on this planet that have the capability of choosing what to do. We are the only ones that can consciously put a space between stimuli and response. We are the only ones that can go beyond our natural instincts and do things that are contrary to our fundamental instincts ... like putting our own lives into jeopardy in order to save another (apart from Dogs I realize ... especially wrt this particular example).

We live in an age when technology has made it possible to live longer than ever before, and to do so with good health. However, we have created a million boundaries which do not have any physical reality ... but then mental reality is the only reality that there really is ... and now we fight over and for things like religion.

What is wrong?
Provided our race actually manages to survive for a few more generations without triggering some cataclysmic event that destroys civilization as we know it, there may come a time when our progeny look back at these years and wonder what sort of barbarians could possibly do the things that we are doing today. What sort of morals and what sort of religion could cause people to kill other people senselessly. What sort of governance could ensure that such events take place ... and more importantly, what sort of individuals could possible constitute such a race and such a society. (A lot like what you felt when as a kid you looked at the first depiction of the neanderthal man ... before they realized that homo-sapiens did not evolve from them but were a parallel lineage)

Look at it objectively, and how are we any better than the Englishmen who dunked old women in water or burnt them alive for being witches ... how are we any better than the people that burnt Joan of Arc at the stake in the name of religion? How are we any better than the perpetrators of the holocaust? .... People that we look down upon and consider barbaric and inhumane.

Perhaps, this is not a problem at all. What we are is not the problem. Perhaps, the biggest problem we have is the inability to accept ourselves for what we are ....
a composite of evolved brains cause a duality where we are capable of thinking beyond what we are but incapable of actually acting it out.

Another problem is perhaps a dearth of philosophical and religious thought in our times.
Our socio-political system is mostly driven by western thought ... and western thought by the greek schools ... but in all these centuries after plato and socrates, we don't really have an alternate thought structure to replace theirs. We are living at a time when a social breakdown will perhaps force people to re-think phiosophy and re-create society more in keeping with the current conditions of the world.

Look at our religions ... apart from some which are based on nature, all are based on worshipping one son of god or the other ... a multitude fighting over prophets and seers ... quirky because these days the same people would rather promptly lock up any one claiming to be a son of god in some mental institution.

Our society is too full of cynicism and high school science to ever give birth to another prophet. We are a lost generation who have enough science to be unable to accept God (and his incarnations on earth) with the unwavering faith of our ancestors ... and not enough science to believe otherwise.

This restlessness is bound to vent itself in a million ways. Every generation shall have its own excuse for violence and blood shed, and it shall never end.
This is not a statement of hopelessness but an acceptance that humans are humans, and so much like the philosophy of yin and yang, the primal and the Godly are so mixed up in us, we cannot be one without being the other in turns.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

a need for silence

In memory of those that lost their lives in the Mumbai blasts.
In prayer for the loved ones they left behind ... that they may have the strength to live on.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I am with you Zidane!!!!

I have written about this before ... in our current world, sitting on the fence and not having an opinion are so much in fashion that we appear to have just a social concience at the loss of the personal one.

A lot of people think that what Zidane did was wrong, and I can empathize with their thought structure. However, I personally think that it is one of the traits that makes great people great. If I were to be on the field playing the world cup football final, with the entire world watching me, the desire to be socially and politically correct would be an overpowering force to reckon with. I doubt I would have the personal strength to do what Zidane did.

It reminds me of a song - The Coward of the County by Kenny Rogers - ... and I quote "... I should hope you understandSometimes you gotta fight when you're a man..."

I admire Zidane now not only for being one of the greatest footballers ever but also for having the guts to do what he felt was right irrespective of what the rest of the world would have to say about it.

My friend commented last night that because of this one action, Zidane stopped short of becoming God.
I think this one action was the last step that made him God.

If I understand it right, even religion does not judge an action to be good or bad, independent of the intention with which it is performed and I hope people stop crucifying Zidane based on their notions of social propriety.

Friday, July 07, 2006

i dont have anything to write

Which probably means that this is going to be one of those long rambling posts again.

This is something that is perhaps a bit of a paradox ... but, in general, the more you know about a thing, the less time and effort you take to explain it.

Like in the exams, if you know the answer, it is a half-page at max ... if you don't? Well, then you don't measure it in pages ... you measure it in kilograms ... the weight of all the paper that you managed to fill up in the process of answering that simple question.

I can't seem to concentrate enough on the things I really want to do. Of late, the mere act of staying alive is taking up so much time, that there is very little left to really do things in. Have been sitting on important stuff in my personal sphere for months together ... and now it has become a dull throb in the appendage that I have used to sit on them.

A lot of things to sort out ... a lot of clutter ... in and around the house, and in the mind. Spring cleaning wont happen before autumn this year I fear. Which is ok really ... in many ways, I like autumn as much as I like spring ... if not more. And no. I don't have to be in Chicago to appreciate it ... though that does help ..

I don't know if there are a lot more people like me or this is a malady tailored just for me:
This feeling of restlessness, of things not done, of time slipping away ... so much to do ... so little time to do it in!

The vedas give man a 100 years to live and neatly divide it into bramhacharya, grihasta, vanaprastha and sanyas. I however live in a blur where all the four states seem to co-exist at the same time ... like a particle following Heisenberg's uncertainty principle ... all that my age determines, is the state that I am most likely to be in.

What it cannot change is the real state of my mind ... which fluctuates from the fire of the bramhacharya trying his best to learn as much as he can while avoiding all temptations, to the dreams and aspirations of a grihasta which fly but on clipped wings ... to the resignation of the vanaprastha .. to the euphoria of the sanyasi.

Attachment, detachment, a need to grow, a need to shrink, a need to stay, a need to move ... a plethora of opposites reside in me ... I am a plethora of opposites. Like a vector problem with myriad arrows diverging from a common center ... each pulling in a particular direction and the amplitudes as uncertain as the directions ... me just a point mass ... a negligible that gets over shadowed by these forces that push and pull in all directions ... the unattached ... the unassuming... the I.

Words, words and more words. I can use them to paint a sunset. I can use them to paint me. I can use them to express, and I can use them to impress ... but what I can never forget is just how trivial they are ... and for all the expression and all the impression, how empty I feel at times. Empty and in peace, and empty like a reverberating war drum ... damn.

A 100 years is not long enough. A 1000 years is not long enough. 24 hours in a day are not long enough.

So how can I live?


I shall plagiarize and misquote ... and borrow another's poetry to be my guiding principle in life:

My candle burns at both ends ...
It shall not last the night.
But, Oh! my foes, and Ah! my friends,
It gives a lovely light

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

post lunch yet again

not feeling so good today ... apart from the eggs that i had for lunch which didn't taste too good, partly because of the way they were cooked and partly because i don't eat 'em much since bird flu became the latest fad ... there is something else bothering me. can't quite a finger on it though... or a toe for that matter.

so should i go out and have a smoke? always a possibility ...

checked all my mail accounts, my photo.net account for more comments and ratings, orkut, my girl's scrap book since she can't get online these days .... and then came back to my blog space.

i don't really understand the modern economy. how, someone makes money by providing me with space on his hard drives for free ... it works for me though ...

the ramblings of an anonymous, stored on some disc somewhere in the world ... i don't even know where ... probably in a bank of disc whirring quietly in the airconditioned comfort of a low lying building somewhere in the temperate zones ... all my thoughts and feeling and my hearts out pourings stored using something as ethereal as a magnetic media which is meaningless to the naked eyes ... something that shall be discarded as useless by coming generations when they dig up the ruins of our civilization centuries after the great wars .... when we will be to them what the egyptians are to us today ... and their technoogy probably at par with ours when we opened tut's tomb.

gives a proper perspective to ouur life. full of our own self importance, we forget that we are just the whim of the universe. A possibility that is so remote that probably we don't have numbers big enough to describe the denominator of such a fraction ...

in a universe that is endless ... mind boggling ... an integer scale that is endless ... how can we be so comfortable with the infinite? how can we be uncomfortable with it either? aren't we just one of the infinite possibilities?

we live on the 3rd planet of an insignificant solar system lit by a not very remarkable star on one of the outer spiral of a spiral galaxy that we call the milky way ... one of a million trillion billion such galaxies ... in an universe that has no end ... and we are the only things that are important to us .. life .. career ... love ... family ... job ... job satisfaction ... artificial .. natural ... man made ... short films ... art ... documentary ... bullshit .... cowdung ....

here we are, full of our own importance, sitting in a corner, trying to sort and classify the infinite. if there were such a thing as a universal being ... we would probably register on its radar about as prominently as a flea in a dogs tail on the radar of an f16 flying to bomb god only knows what next.

no. in case you are reading this and wandering where it is going, it isnt really going anywhere. and i am quite happy with that. if the earth can keep going around the sun for millions of years, and sun around the galactic centre, and the galaxy probably around something that we haven't fathomed ... unless stephen hawkins is right and each is like a spot on the surface of a gigantic 4D baloon pulling further and further away from everything next to it ... i am ok with not going anywhere with this .. at least for today afternoon. for, decry it as i might, i cannot give up my own self importance .. and get on with things such as my work, and my deadlines and all those things that we have made important in our lives ... i have no clue why.

there was a time when a man coul only do the things that allowed him to live for another day .. to ensure that the species survived. anything non-essential could not be indulged in ... for it would threaten his very existence. sure you could sit and sing all day instead of hunting or sharpening your bows and swords ... but then the singer would be an easy meal for the hunters of the night ... all his singing would not stop the blood gushing out when the sabre toothed tiger's teeth sank into his throat .... there was no choice apart from the choice between surviving or dying.

with time, we have managed to lessen this fight for survival. we have hardly any natural enemies ... apart from other men. and given the history, one would assume that when man got the time to choose between things other than death or life, he would choose to do things that made him better .... gave him more joy ...

but here we are, in a world that is run by greed ... money is the only thing that operates the current world ... economy ... and markets and the number of zeroes in your paycheck .... nothing wrong with that. i love it ... there should be something in life to fight for. some spear to sharpen, some bow to perfect, sme foe to overcome ... i cannot yet overcome so primal an instinct within myself ... but i do not understand why modern life has to be so abstract and so far removed from reality and yet leave us with so little space to do what we really want to do. why all this mindless paper pushing .. or email sending ... endless discussions over trivialities ... a life that is so bogged down by the structure that we have created around it!

society instead of forming a pipe through which all of life can be pumped furiously at a remarkable pace has become like a huge haversack that we lug around all our life ... till our back breaks from the sheer weight and we just give up the ghost and die.

there has to be more. we have to find it. we need to break out of this existence ... this cannot be life ... this cannot be something .... that something as full of its own existence as ourselves can accept. the new mission would be to find that .... to search to seek ....


Monday, July 03, 2006

post lunch

and a short breather before i get on with the rest of the day....

feeling peaceful today. can hear the hum of the air conditioning and the fan behind the cpu unit.
each keystroke sounds like a drop of water in a still pool.

i was wondering about a blog i read recently .... "dance like no one is watching ..." or something to that effect ... and noticed how people seemed to relate to it ...

is it the universality of dancing ... and all things physical ... something that goes beyond the barriers of language ... the reason that so many people can relate to that blog/feeling?

After all, all things physical have always transcended language. You don't need to to know the other nation's language to make war ... nor do you need to know the other ones language to make love. physical needs are like a part of the actual reality instead of the virtual reality that we sometimes perceive thanks to the languages bind our thoughts and hence our minds.

There is always the possibility that there is no such thing and the only reason that there are so many people that concur is because the author of that blog is a rather beautiful girl ... but even factoring that in, I still think the physical theory is true.

That brings me to a different phrase:
Dance like no one is watching ... is what you tell the dancer.

However, in life, there are more watchers than dancers. Always ... in every situation, in every society, there are more watchers than there are dancers ... think of it this way ... there way of dancing is watching ... but what could you tell this vast majority?

Watch like no one is dancing ???

I wonder ...

Saturday, July 01, 2006

The end of world cup 2006

It no longer matters who wins.
What matters is that Argentina will not be playing any more.
As far as I am concerned, this is the end of world cup 2006.

Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes ....
and the Argentinian team, back to Argentina.