post lunch yet again

...
not feeling so good today ... apart from the eggs that i had for lunch which didn't taste too good, partly because of the way they were cooked and partly because i don't eat 'em much since bird flu became the latest fad ... there is something else bothering me. can't quite a finger on it though... or a toe for that matter.

so should i go out and have a smoke? always a possibility ...

checked all my mail accounts, my photo.net account for more comments and ratings, orkut, my girl's scrap book since she can't get online these days .... and then came back to my blog space.

i don't really understand the modern economy. how, someone makes money by providing me with space on his hard drives for free ... it works for me though ...

the ramblings of an anonymous, stored on some disc somewhere in the world ... i don't even know where ... probably in a bank of disc whirring quietly in the airconditioned comfort of a low lying building somewhere in the temperate zones ... all my thoughts and feeling and my hearts out pourings stored using something as ethereal as a magnetic media which is meaningless to the naked eyes ... something that shall be discarded as useless by coming generations when they dig up the ruins of our civilization centuries after the great wars .... when we will be to them what the egyptians are to us today ... and their technoogy probably at par with ours when we opened tut's tomb.

gives a proper perspective to ouur life. full of our own self importance, we forget that we are just the whim of the universe. A possibility that is so remote that probably we don't have numbers big enough to describe the denominator of such a fraction ...

in a universe that is endless ... mind boggling ... an integer scale that is endless ... how can we be so comfortable with the infinite? how can we be uncomfortable with it either? aren't we just one of the infinite possibilities?

we live on the 3rd planet of an insignificant solar system lit by a not very remarkable star on one of the outer spiral of a spiral galaxy that we call the milky way ... one of a million trillion billion such galaxies ... in an universe that has no end ... and we are the only things that are important to us .. life .. career ... love ... family ... job ... job satisfaction ... artificial .. natural ... man made ... short films ... art ... documentary ... bullshit .... cowdung ....

here we are, full of our own importance, sitting in a corner, trying to sort and classify the infinite. if there were such a thing as a universal being ... we would probably register on its radar about as prominently as a flea in a dogs tail on the radar of an f16 flying to bomb god only knows what next.

no. in case you are reading this and wandering where it is going, it isnt really going anywhere. and i am quite happy with that. if the earth can keep going around the sun for millions of years, and sun around the galactic centre, and the galaxy probably around something that we haven't fathomed ... unless stephen hawkins is right and each is like a spot on the surface of a gigantic 4D baloon pulling further and further away from everything next to it ... i am ok with not going anywhere with this .. at least for today afternoon. for, decry it as i might, i cannot give up my own self importance .. and get on with things such as my work, and my deadlines and all those things that we have made important in our lives ... i have no clue why.

there was a time when a man coul only do the things that allowed him to live for another day .. to ensure that the species survived. anything non-essential could not be indulged in ... for it would threaten his very existence. sure you could sit and sing all day instead of hunting or sharpening your bows and swords ... but then the singer would be an easy meal for the hunters of the night ... all his singing would not stop the blood gushing out when the sabre toothed tiger's teeth sank into his throat .... there was no choice apart from the choice between surviving or dying.

with time, we have managed to lessen this fight for survival. we have hardly any natural enemies ... apart from other men. and given the history, one would assume that when man got the time to choose between things other than death or life, he would choose to do things that made him better .... gave him more joy ...

but here we are, in a world that is run by greed ... money is the only thing that operates the current world ... economy ... and markets and the number of zeroes in your paycheck .... nothing wrong with that. i love it ... there should be something in life to fight for. some spear to sharpen, some bow to perfect, sme foe to overcome ... i cannot yet overcome so primal an instinct within myself ... but i do not understand why modern life has to be so abstract and so far removed from reality and yet leave us with so little space to do what we really want to do. why all this mindless paper pushing .. or email sending ... endless discussions over trivialities ... a life that is so bogged down by the structure that we have created around it!

society instead of forming a pipe through which all of life can be pumped furiously at a remarkable pace has become like a huge haversack that we lug around all our life ... till our back breaks from the sheer weight and we just give up the ghost and die.

there has to be more. we have to find it. we need to break out of this existence ... this cannot be life ... this cannot be something .... that something as full of its own existence as ourselves can accept. the new mission would be to find that .... to search to seek ....

darn!