Thursday, April 05, 2007

Feeling lonely

Came home today to what is the beginning of a long weekend and for the first time in my life perhaps, felt lonely.

Wanted to go out for the evening, watch a movie, have dinner, perhaps catch up over coffee … but there was no company.

Rather ironic given that I have always loved solitude.

Back in school, I looked forward to the Durga Puja holidays. It would generally be for about a week or so. Not enough time for me to go home and come back. So, I’d be the only one in the hostel. Sometimes there would be a few others. However, my block would generally be empty.

It was a nice feeling - getting up to a crisp October morning, knowing that there was nothing to do the whole day. The mess would also be understaffed over the holidays which meant that you couldn’t be late at meal times. So, I’d get up, brush and reach the mess in time for breakfast.

Once that was done, I had pretty much the rest of the day and the school building to myself. I loved walking down the empty corridors. My favorite block – I don’t remember the name any more – was past the school clinic, behind the parking lot for the eighty or so school buses and in front of the one of the school fields.


The class rooms in this block were nicer than the others. They were built like terraces – as in an amphitheatre – with the board at the well of the room and benches leading all the way up to the top.
The classes would always be locked during the holidays. I found one whose door could be opened despite the lock by pushing against it, and once inside, you could push it closed again and it appeared to be locked from outside.

I remember spending a lot of time there, reading various books and once in a while, studying. This is where I acquainted myself with Richard Bach, Robert Pirsig, Gibran, Carlos Castenada and Feynman to name a few … some of the others, forgotten because I did not concur with them.

I also remember a family of kites nesting in a tree near that class room. It was quite fascinating to watch them bring rats, squirrels and god knows what else to feed their young.

Eventually, I would drag myself back to my room for a shower and in time for lunch – which at times would be better than usual since there were so few of us that the cook could actually afford to experiment with Quality for a change.

The nights would be awesome too. By October, it was cool enough for the grass to have dew or frost … not sure what … but the grass would be wet by the time dinner was done … so you could walk bare-feet in the field by yourself and come back to the room.

The room would be cool, and it would be quiet too … and all the lights would be off for a change. The only sounds would those of the ceiling fans and the tinny music from the water purifiers attached to the water coolers.

The memories, sweet as they are, are not the point why I started writing this post. This “feeling lonely” thing is a whole new experience. It is a good thing and a bad thing. It is good because I am experiencing something new. It is bad because I always felt that if you are centered in your self, at peace and happy, then there is no such thing as being lonely. This therefore probably indicates that at least one or more of these is missing in my current constitution.

I have decided against trying to go hunting for a problem and fixing it though – the typical engineering approach to all of life – fix it. Now that finally, I am feeling this elusive feeling, I might as well learn about it and about how to deal with it before moving on.

Luckily for me, the entire carpet did not get swept out from under my feet in one go … and some things still work … As I cooked dinner tonight, I felt the magic of the experience (I have already ranted about my love for cooking in a few previous posts I think). As the familiar sounds, sights and smells started to embrace me, the stillness that it restored was almost palpable.

Have waxed eloquent for long enough – time to check what the food tastes like… stillness of the mind is incidental to the act … what really matters is the taste of the food :)

7 comments:

  1. i dont hv time 2 publish ur comment also ...2 much happening ..! but by public demand ..i'll b bak ..real sooon!! hehe...
    thx 4 keeping me alive ..hehe

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  2. hey your school days remind me of mine except for the solitude bit..getting acquainted with fav authors,empty classrooms during hols,dew on the grass,cafeteria et al just out of curiousity which school did you go to? (dont answer this if it wasn't SRS)
    and about being lonely - longing for companionship is nice and good for the soul as long as there is no vaccum for lack of companionship. not all experiences in life are meant to be fixed - some are just to be experienced and you come through them just fine ( my 2 cents)

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  3. hey power puff ... hope whatever it is that is keeping you away is something nice ...

    No wookie I wont answer that :)
    ... and your 2 cents are worth quite a bit at the current exchange rates!!!

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  4. Awesome post buddy - loved reading your experiences - kinda' nostalgic right now coz I remember my solitude too - when I just was with myself and would often talk to myself aloud..;-)

    Feeling lonely is a great feeling at times - dares you to do lot many things in life which you otherwise wouldn't want to...;-)

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  5. want a new post!

    ReplyDelete