Qualified to be a fighter pilot

The other day, someone was talking about a new concept of using gravitation as a medium for carrying signals. This would revolutionize communication apparently … though I almost immediately had the concern that if a circuitry misbehaved, perhaps we would see people floating around because of a weakened gravitation field or glued to the ground because of a strengthened field. I also expressed concern about the integrity of earth itself – which we all know is just a glob of mostly molten lava contained by a thin crust of solid earth with a thin layer of water over it and an even thinner and delicate gaseous atmosphere … all glued together by gravity.

However, since today morning, I am harboring the suspicion that just like cloning humans and various organs in tanks, someone somewhere has started working on this as well. And just my luck – the blithering godless idiot has a lab that is near my house.

Let me tell you why!

This morning when I woke up, it was like being on Jupiter. The G-force had increased at least 10 fold overnight. My eyelids were so heavy that I could hardly get them up … the quilt was impossible to put aside … my limbs refused to move … there I was on the bed … helpless … and I have no clue for how long.

The alarm went off … it lasts 20 seconds … but I could not move my arm to switch it off. Gravity was slowing my thought process too … and somewhere a train of thought … quite overloaded … like the trains during partition (only less bloody), arrived with the news that it was better to let the damn thing ring for 20 seconds than to try and move an arm to switch it off.

This gravitational anomaly would probably have kept me squashed under the quilt for the rest of the day had it not been for the suicidal tendencies of my house maid. At some point, I started hearing a distant, persistent buzz. It took a while to register that someone was at the door down stairs and was pressing the buzzer with the tenacity of a leech stuck to your foot.

There were a couple of options I figured. If the buzzer kept going for long enough, the coil of the electromagnet would probably burn out and it would be quiet again … but then there was also the possibility (and somehow I was convinced that this is what would happen) that the darn switch would melt and the finger pressing the button of the buzzer would come in contact with the circuit there in and start conducting electricity …

I conjured the picture (assuming that the gravitational experiment that was being carried out on me eventually ceased), I’d be able to get up and go down eventually, to see a singed cadaver still smoking on the porch of the house … perhaps even a crowd would have gathered wondering what the smell was all about … !@#@#$%…

Out of the goodness of my heart, I decided to save her soul and undertook the superhuman effort that was required to get out of that 10G zone. Just to go downstairs to open the door and have her remove her confounded finger from the buzzer.

Things got better after that. Apparently, the gravitation aberration was only in a small zone centered around my bed – which makes sense since the signal would need to be focused into a thin beam to interact with a specific cell phone – and the rest of the house was still at 1 G.

Thus, eventually I made it to office. However, it is my firm belief that anyone who has ever had to get out of bed on a Friday morning under the circumstances that I did has really experienced whatever an average fighter pilot or F1 driver does. All such people should be considered to be equally accomplished and qualified to participate in these activities as well!!!

So, I proudly announce that I am now a qualifed fighter pilot - though only by accident!